I'm lying down on my bed, as usual.
As usual, I'm reading a Tezuka book.
One more of those 'Tezuka Osamu The Best', I got so few ones, so I gotta stick to those series, they're part of those few ones I can find, or manage to buy, too.

One picture draws my attention.
We can see Tezuka-sama himself, sitting to his drawing desk and turned towards the reader, simply talking to him/her with a smile.
I really can feel his drawn eyes on me, and I think to myself...
He's really succeeded in life.

Next page he makes me laugh, and I treat him of an idiot.
And I immediatly apologize. He's God, after all.

I pray, a little.
I talk to him.
I say that would be nice I could reach God. Only a little.

That's so stupid.
'Cause I know he probably doesn't hear me from where he is...
...High away, far away...
...Riding his phoenix.
I gotta remember there are so many people who deserved to be listened to a lot more than I do.
Serious people, who ARE actually working hard to fulfill their dreams.
I'm not.
So I can't even hope that...
...He could be listening to me, ever.


I'm drawing.
In my bed, on my desk, on any table, at school, depends.
I suddently realize that my position is exactly the same as Tezuka-sama's, when he is drawing.
I remember seing him draw, exactly with that position, in one of his autofictions.
...Gosh, that's so stupid.


When I'm listening to music...
I dream of many things.
I dream of how animes made out of MY mangas could be.
That's so stupid.
No way that could ever happen.
But hell, music is so inspiring...

Sometimes, I also dream of myself, smiling and running, with a hopeful face.
I'm pursuing a big, golden, shiny hand that is flying in the sky.
It's turned in my way, still it's far away.
No way I could ever reach it.
But still, I do.
I finally reach it.
And the dreamed me is so happy, that she sometimes starts to cry.
To shout around : "SEE?! I MADE IT! I MADE IT!"
XD That's so stupid.
I simply dunno how I could be running so much.
I'm SO unathletic, and as regards that hand...
...Well, it HAS GOTTEN athletic. That hand.
That's different. I've never ever gotten athletic during my life.
Never got the occasion.


Maybe because I'm one of those people who haven't been bred up in that "full-of-great-and-hard-and-painful-experiences" way of life.
Oh well, I'm happy this way, really happy.^^
That's all better than knowing war, than having someone you love die, than suffering and being traumathized all your life.
Still it seems like suffering is the only way to be considered as "an interesting person". O_o
See? You know, being happy all my life, I still dare saying "I want to be an artist".
And I can already hear people saying "Yuck, such a girl who hasn't lived anything and still she's pretending to be an artist."
I dunno. What you think...?
I still try, anyway. That's a proof that sadness, pain and all those bad things of life aren't always the best things you can show...
...Even though people seem to like it. O_o
I don't understand.


I'm walking around in the bookshop, as usual.
Looking for Tezuka books.
Finding some, and other mangas.
Buying some.
Paying.
No more money.
Too bad...
From the checkout, as I'm paying, I have a look, once more, at the comics departments.
And I think to myself...
...That would be great if some of my stuff were sold here, one day.


XD Guess I'm dreaming too much.
I'm so stupid. Dreaming around, everytime, and never doing anything.
That's not the right way to act, right? XD
That's not how I'll get to reach God.
Whatever...
I'm still smiling, and hoping.

I'm a strange seal, nee..?


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WOA, I finally got to write a journal entry! XD I though I would never ever write one.
Why'd I do that? Maybe... Because this sums up well the way I'm living, and thinking, and all those things.
...Hey, why not? XD

PS : Pwease excuse my poor English!^^"""